Wordsworth, Billie Holiday, and Loving Spouses

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

Words for Today
"Whether we be young or old,
Our destiny, our being's heart and home,
Is with infinitude, and only there;
With hope it is, hope that can never die,
Effort and expectation, and desire,
And something evermore about to be."

​The words are those of the long-lived English poet William Wordsworth, born on this day in 1770, three decades before the turn of the twentieth century, he lived on for five more in the 1800s, dying just a couple of weeks past his eightieth birthday. 'Twas Wordsworth, as I wrote last year in this journal a year ago(go to 04/07/03), who observed the way of the world and its materialistic bent ("The World is too much with us; late and soon,/ Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:/ Little we see in Nature that is ours;"), and said, "We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!" I have far too much - and been far too preoccupied with matters, that, all things considered, were best done after the more important part of passage here in the middle world is taken care of - looking out for each other with greater respect.

No matter how dark my mood on the most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful of Dakota days, as 'twas yesterday, my kola, here in this glorious place, there's always hope that tomorrow will be brighter for the spirit regardless of the cloud cover or temperature outside. 'Twas a good day, this one past - for my good friend Jerry Tweton and his lovely wife Paula came down and we enjoyed the shipment of our new book, The Townspeople, which completes the series of six books in the The Way It Was: The North Dakota Frontier Experience. We had a little repast at Kroll's Kitchen, the local restaurant that features the best of German-Russian cuisine at diner or less prices - even had the weest bit of sour-cream raisin pie. Then was off to meet with a nurse who does dressings and maintenance on biliary prothesis - the big bags hanging from my abdomen are gone to be replaced with pocket-sized little ones just in case. And the day was windlessly warm and wonderful - so why the hints of a darker mood that kept me abed and the weest bit glum? I suppose, in part, it's new reminders of my morality - and the shock of the five days of hell bypassing my now-useless bile ducts - and with that, all that I've failed to do to with the long stretch of time I had this past year - there are so many things I want to finish here in the middle world - so much "effort, expectation, and desire" ala Wordsworth I want to fulfill.

For a good while, I was deeply despondent last night about the shoddy way I treat those who have given me love so unconditionally, especially my lovin' spouse, Leslie, on whom all too often I take out my frustrations and fears by raising my voice. Intellectually, one can understand how much more difficult this is for her than it is for me - she's an incredibly remarkable woman - few would do for a spouse what she continues to do for me. The answer, of course, is to recognize the amazing grace, accept it, and vow to be more understanding. I do.

Another contributor to my mood after all went so well yesterday, methinks, was the overwhelming recognition that my independence has inexorably, relentlessly, been curtailed. At least for right now, I can't jump into a car and go where I want - be it but a half-block away. I don't think that I've ever felt in less control of my own destiny - there's nothing I could possibly do to open my bile ducts, there is little I can do to make myself more comfortable - but what I can do is to use my mind and spirit to make the most of every sunrise and sunset and all those hours in between - from the long nights to the delightful days like yesterday's - spring will soon be here - 'tis the season of renewal and new hope. I firmly believe that my correspondence with you, dear kola, and your outreach to me, is worth five courses of depression medicine - which I'm sleepy enough without, right now. So, in the spirit of my mascot, the magnificent six-inch American bison, Charger, I say "Charge! Say nay to time-wasting self-pity and paltry matters, conquer that strange contrary human penchant for borrowing enough trouble from tomorrow to make this one miserable. Find as much as you possibly can to rejoice and be glad in at any given moment."

Yo, ho, kola, the Minnesota Twins are 2 and 0 - a perfect season, so far. Of course, it's Cleveland - but still, a great start. There's one thing to celebrate. Much more importantly, I just heard from both of my loving children and had a delightful talk on the phone - Albert and Gretchen. Now there's something to celebrate, indeed!

Today is also the birthday of Billie Holiday - some would argue the greatest of American female vocalists. Born on this day in 1915, she lived hard and died far too young nine months before her fiftieth birthday in July 1959. In between, however, she sang like no other - I'm thinking today of her rendition of "You Showed Me the Way" and dedicate it to my long-suffering lovin' spouse:

You showed me the way
When I was someone in distress
A heart in search of happiness
You showed me the way

My sky was so gray
I never knew I'd feel a thrill
I couldn't dream a dream until
You showed me the way
The moment you found me
The shadows around me
Just disappeared from view
The world became rosy
Each corner so cozy
Darling, all because of you
You showed me the way

And if I've learned that love can be a paradise
For you and me
Here's all I can say
You showed me the way

You did, indeed, Leslie, you did indeed. Trust you are enjoying this very moment, kola - and that your spirit soars in spite of all that ails our social compact, especially the fact that we're not taking very good care of each other.

Ev Albers